Dear Anonymous

What do I want to change about myself?

Where shall I begin?

And let me say that I know there are solutions to most all the the things that I will list. But knowing them and then having the energy and the will power to do them are 2 different things.

I hate the fact that I am living in chaos and that a lot of it is my doing.

I wish that I was organized and able to keep on top of things.

I don't like that fact that I have this tendency to be a perfectionist. If it all can't be done perfectly, I tend to do nothing.

I lack disciplines in many areas of my life. For instance, if you have been reading the blog in the past you will have seen my frustrations with not being able to accomplish the Flylady challenge. And it wasn't even a challenge that someone was trying to get me to do - it was something I wanted to do.

I lack disciplines in my spiritual life.....and this is one of the biggest factors in most of my troubles right now. I will be the first to admit that. I have put God on a shelf and tried to do things on my own. I have neglected the Bible and praying.

I know that is why I am feeling all this anger. I haven't felt emotions this violent in years. And the one time I can think of in specif that I can remember was a time in the past that I yet again not walking as close to the Lord as I should be.

There are things that I want to change that I can't really share. Not even so much because I don't want to...but I don't even know how....and there are some things that I just don't want to I suppose. At least not yet, to the whole world. If you were to tell me who you were or send a personal e-mail I might be able to share things differently.

I know that most of this is a spiritual battle.

I just keep failing at the same things.

Right now I am just at that point like I have written about before,

about being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter and feeling that I am a failure in all the titles that I wear.

Some of this is an emotional battle. I am struggling to fight depression on my own right now. Understand, I do go to a Dr. for this , I do the counselling thing but the meds I was on wasn't helping so I stopped. Since, I have had many negative side effects to different meds in the past the Dr, does not want to try anything new while I am pregnant. That last thing she wants to do is make it so I feel worse.

But that is something that I would love to change. I would love to be emotionally stable. I would love to be depression free. (At this very moment I would love it if my 20 month old would stop taking her diaper off every few minutes. )

I would love to have a healthy self esteem.

Right now, I need to give myself a major attitude adjustment.

I am mad, I am angry....if those are not the same thing....I am overwhelmed....I am tired....I am pregnant and not the most thrilled with that fact.....the house is a total mess and at this point I JUST DON'T CARE.

What is Dyspneato?

someone used this word in a comment on my latest post. Can anyone tell me what it is? Perhaps the person who left the comment??

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

This was written a couple months ago so some of the feelings have changed. Others have been added or they come and go.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
May 8, 2009

This is how I feel.

(insert some very bad words here)

Lord, I know this isn’t right.

I’ve tried to change a hundred times.

They are going to say I need the meds.

Well the Zoloft wasn’t really working,

And the other med wasn’t worth the health risks – at least to me – and I’m the one supposed to be taking it.

Once again I’m pregnant and this time wise enough to be scared.

When I was pregnant with Tyler my mom found out she had cancer. Even though I was pretty sick the whole pregnancy it would be the only normal preg/labor that my mom would see me have.

6 months after Tyler was born I got pregnant with the twins and we all know that story.

But I feel I was given 2 because God knew I’d lose 1.

Alysa turned 13 months old the day my mom died.

About a month before she died I had told my mom over the phone that I was expecting again. I never had the chance to see her face to face.

Katie was once again a comfort baby as Alysa had been in the loss of Olivia.

So, this is the first (and hopefully last pregnancy) that I wasn’t able to share anything about with Mom.

Is this another comfort child? Is Tyler, Alysa, Katie, or Brian going to die?

My heart tells me this is a warped sense of thinking – my mind on the other hand tends to “have a mind of its own.”

I keep thinking, “God, you could at least make it so I am not so freaking sick so I could at least enjoy it!”

I hate feeling so angry all the time.
Angry at myself for not changing.
Angry at the kids for pushing the limits – and probably sometimes just being kids.

shocking, I know

I thought that I would totally shock the few of you who still check here perioddically to see if I have updated the blog. I was going to copy of few entries that I had written in a notebook to catch you all up (for those of you who don't have facebook) But, alas, the kids have carried the notebook off somewhere to color in.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. If I do find it in the next couple days I will copy the entries.

Otherwise, this will be a boring post as it is late and I am too tired to putting any effort into writing something original.

Just a PS for those of you who still might not have heard
We are having another child in December.

Alysa's 3!

Friday was mostly a happy day. Alysa was very excited it was her birthday. It was pretty much all she talked about all day. Brian's parents, brother and grandparents came down after supper to share some cake and ice cream and watch her open presents.

Brian and I did have our thoughts drift to Olivia throughout the day of course. I found this clipping and wanted to share it with you. It is something I could have written but did not. I am not sure who did. I was something my mom cut out of the paper.

"When our children we love are taken, and the years pass slowly by, you feel the grieving is over, but the ache is still inside.

This life of ours must continue and the tears we must learn to hide, but you know it will never leave you, this ache we feel inside.

Their siblings go on with their future and you know this is how it should be, You share in their joys and sorrows, but that ache won't let you free.

Where they rest you visit less often, and their voices are not as clear, and our zest for life is returning, but the ache is always near.

Our friends and family tell us how well we handled our grief. If they only knew deep within us, from this ache there is no relief.

When alone, we talk to them often, for we know they are still by our side, and the warmth of our memories comforts, but the ache is still inside."

I love you Princess Alysa and Baby Girl Olivia!

just fun stuff

THIS

RESULTED IN

THIS. I am blessed to have 3 children who love the water and love taking baths!

THIS was my awesome deal from CVS. I spent a total of $2.53 and got a $5.00 credit towards my next purchase! The Aveeno baby wash would have cost me more than $2.50 alone at Wally World! Normally I am not a name brand person but the girls have eczema and this is what their pediatrician recommends. I also have to use a special lotion (Aquaphor Healing Ointment) with them but I found that CVS had there own brand of it so I am going to try that.
Also Target was their Valentine stuff for 90% off. The kids had a grand time picking up some goodies!! For Target my receipt says I saved $98.85!!!

I am sharing the following with you all because that I what I do. I'm tired of living the double life as it is so instead I am going to share it all in the hopes that it might be helpful to others out there who are on the same path. Before you get worried and start e-mailing about getting the help I need I want to assure you that I am. I went to my Dr. this morning and we are doubling my antidepressant medication and will increase it more in a few weeks if I still feel the need. Also, next week I will resume counseling. We had stopped meeting because things were going well there for some time and the visits were not necessary. Brian has read this and is aware of how I am feeling. Though he doesn't understand it all he loves me in spite of it all. I have others who are aware of how I am feeling and are there if I really felt the need to reach out to them. You know who you are. And I thank you for being there!

The following was what I wrote in a notebook the other night when I could not sleep. It still needs a lot of work but these are the original thoughts.

The tear stains on her pillow will be dry by morning
Leaving no evidence there were ever even there.

She whispers out her feelings to God in Heaven
Her heart says her words are just floating in thin air.

What little hope she had found in the past has long disappeared
She tried so hard to hold it together because she wanted to be strong.

Things seemed to be getting a little better and she was ready to say goodbye
But it wasn’t long after things fell apart and she knew she had been wrong.

The meds don’t seem to be helping now – if they even ever were
She feels so sad and overwhelmed yet she also feels nothing.

She knows there is something wrong but doesn’t know what it is
She wants to fix it, evict it or whatever it takes.

She wants to be well for her children
Not for herself or even her husband anymore.

They deserve so much better. They have no choice in all of this.
He does and he could have just walked out the door.

They didn’t choose this life
They are still innocent enough not to realize not everyone lives this way

She knows the pain in her heart when she picks up a few things and her children ask,
“Mommy, who is coming over today?”

She is even scaring herself. She doesn’t feel that love anymore.

She’s known a long time they’d be better off without her
But she couldn’t imagine living without them.

Now – she almost doesn’t care
There is almost no joy

She doesn’t want to be a friend,
a wife
or even a mother.

She just wants it to be all better.

She doesn’t want to be a mother
But she sure would like to have hers back.

Day 7

Ok I am back in the game. Though we are not feeling 100% better I am at least able to function a whole lot more. I don’t remember being THAT tired since the 2 weeks that we had Olivia home. As far as Flylady, I am going to pick up right where I left off. This is hard to do. My perfectionism tells me I MUST start over to do this right. Part of the process for me is to let go of that ugly P word,

Today we are going to add something to our before bed routine. It’s simple - yet it can be very hard. All we are asked to do is to pick out our clothes the night before. This is supposed to help prevent us from being rushed in mornings or trying on 4 outfits and deciding that nothing looks right on us.

In my Control Journal I have been working on my weekly schedule. It’s pretty basic right now


Monday - Zone Mission
- Riley Mission (this is for kids – explanation to come or search for it on FLylady’s page)
-Weekly home Blessing (again, I haven’t talked about this yet. I am just getting things in writing because I know they are coming)

Tuesday- Zone Mission
Riley Mission

Wednesday- Zone Mission
-Riley Mission
-Detour night 6-8pm

Thursday- Zone Mission
-Riley Mission
-Every other week is MOPS from 9-12 noon

Friday- Zone Mission
- Riley Mission
-Date Night (doesn’t mean you even have to “go out” for a date. We sure don’t get out once a week. Or once a month for that matter! It could be as simple as watching a movie together on the couch. I personally hope we can incorporate some more “out of the house dates” when the weather gets a little warmer so if anyone wants to volunteer some free babysitting J you know how to reach me!)

Saturday- Family Fun Day (My ultimate goal would be to not have to clean at all on weekends. Just the bare necessities to keep things going and get back in the game on Monday’s with the Weekly Home Blessing)

Sunday- Renew Your Spirit Day
-Church
-nap (If I am lucky!)
-Church


In time we will add things by picking days to clean out the fridge, clean our purses and diaper bags, menu making days, shopping days, etc.

too tired

sorry that I have not updated in the last couple days.
You have 1 sick mommy trying to take care of 3 sick kiddos and that equals 1 mommy who is so tired she can hardly function.
The last few nights I've gotten very little sleep and it's all caught up with me. Daddy isn't feel so great either.
I will be back when I have a little more energy

Day 6 200th post WOW

Day 6 Hot Spots
Thanks to a helping hand from my mother in law my kitchen will be completed by the time I go to bed. Brian’s dad came to see if he could figure out what is wrong with our washing machine. It won’t spin. (It’s not a broken belt because our machine doesn’t have one) He had the whole thing torn apart so I just had a washer "shell" sitting in my kitchen. Alysa thought it would be a fun place to hide by going in through the back and popping her head up.

Anyway, while he was working on that Brian’s mom was doing my dishes. I was supposed to be helping her but I was mostly trying to keep track of Katie.

Today Flylady’s babystep is introducing hot spots.
“What is a Hot Spot?
A Hot Spot is an area, when left unattended will gradually take over. My favorite analogy is of a hot spot in a forest fire, if left alone it will eventually get out of hand and burn up the whole forest. This is what happens in our homes. If left unattended, the hot spot will grow and take over the whole room as well as making the house look awful. When you walk into a room, the hot spot is the first thing you see. Your eyes are locked on it. Over the years my hot spot has migrated. As a child it was a chair in my bedroom. I would pile it to the ceiling. Right now I have two hot spots in my home: the dining room table and the bed in the extra bedroom. The dining room table is a staging area. We put the unopened mail there, as well as any thing that needs to go to the basement. Some times you cannot see the top of the table. This is the first thing I see when I walk into the kitchen. Granted, the pile has only been there since last night, but if I don't deal with it first thing in the morning, it will collect many more items by evening. CLUTTER ATTRACTS CLUTTER. The Bed in the extra bed room is just the same. I use it as a place to put things that don't have a home. Do you have areas like this that continue to grow if left alone? Does the rest of the family see this as a place to put things when they do not want to put them where they belong? It is our job to NIP this in the bud. Get rid of that pile, find the surface underneath, and stop the Hot Spot from becoming a raging Clutter inferno! – FlyLady”

The mission for today was to set our timer for 2 minutes and tackle a hot spot. As you will learn, Flylady is also really big on timers.

Sometimes I feel like my whole house is a hot spot. But if I had to pinpoint a couple I would say the kitchen table and my desk.

Today’s accomplishments also included cleaning out our Beta bowl. We have a blue beta and Tyler named it “Water”

Jean - if you would be willing to send me an e-mail I would love to respond personally to your comment. b_and_a_ritchie@hotmail.com

Thanks!